I've had some thoughts lately about a recent dinner my family had with a friend. Things came up about happenings in my marriage and I allowed for the disclosure of my part of the situation. I will say though, my husband seemed very willing to do a lot of talking in regards to my doings. Thinking back, he didn't really want to mention much about his part in not only the recent events but also those that were happening during many years of our marriage. I will say, for the record, neither of us took action in the physical sense, but emotionally we have both checked out of this marriage at times. I guess it just irked me some that he's very willing to put blame on me, which I'm actually willing to take, but not really willing to establish his part of it all and why after years I finally did something. Okay, I realize that sounds very cryptic and I just can't go into it since I don't feel that the details are important for most of the world to know. But, the fact is that it leaves us both still feeling...well...off about the whole thing.

This all came up again the other night when my husband and I were talking about his depression issues. Since the heart attack he just in a funk, rightfully so I think, he's been through a lot. The nurses at the cardiac rehab told him that based on some testing they did on/for him that he's highly apt become severely depressed (there is also family history on his mom's side, which adds to this). They gave him some names and I've told him to make the calls. I think it would be great for him to see someone because he's been in a funk that's noticeable to many around us. He's testy and that's tending to be taken out on myself and our son. My belief is that he not only needs to discuss the heart attack w/the dr, but he also needs to do some work on his elements in our marriage. I also think that, when appropriate, I should see the dr and we should work on the things that are related to our marriage. We had brought up seeing a marriage counselor years ago and even recently, but I really think that since he's being told to go by the cardiatric counselors that he really should go. He has things he needs to address and WE have things we need to address. Because, to be honest, if they can't be dealt with it's going to be make it incredibly difficult to live the next 70 years together.

I don't want there to be an impression though that things aren't good with us now though. As I've said before and firmly believe, we are at the best place we've ever been in our marriage. I can't imagine my life without him. I truly think that things can only keep getting better from here, but we have to get over a hump that's in the way for that to continue to happen.

During all of this I've realized how much I miss my dad. Not that my dad could have fixed any of this, he worked in insurance, not therapy. But, I was really close to my dad and miss him so much. The other day I just starting crying for seemingly no reason and I'm still not completely sure, but I know thoughts of my dad came up. It's been causing me to be in a funk at times myself.

On the plus side, I took lil' man to the library the other day and we both got a bunch of books and I let him get two dvd's for the week. He did pretty well when there and loves the children's room so much that it's hard to get him out of there to pick up my own books. Everything I borrowed was on family nutrition, so I'm really interested to get working on those books.

Feeling a little bitter about the fact that our friends are away in Myrtle Beach for the week. I guess it doesn't help that we're getting their mail too...lol. I'm pretty much bitter about anyone that can go away and do something that they want to do and not be stuck using all their time for family obligations. I know I know, it's because we live away from our family. But, get this, we've thought about moving to Toronto, so that would be closer to my in-laws but much farther from my side. I think that's why I've not pushed it that much. Plus, we don't know anyone up there. But in reality, we have nothing to stay here for anyway, so it's no big deal either way.

I've been tired a lot lately, which stinks. Since I see the ob/gyn this week for a follow-up about the cysts I'll talk to her. I have a feeling that this might be related to my having the miscarriage and it bringing back my anemia, but I'm not sure. It could just be stress related and might also have to do with the fact that my husband hasn't been using his machine at night when sleeping.

Had a slip of my mouth last night. We had gone to the farmer's market during the morning, as we tend to do on Saturday mornings after breakfast and getting ready. Well, there is a bakery that's there each week and when we first started going we only really got cookies from them to eat while there walking around. Than we picked up some breads to see, a few weeks back we got an apple pie which was excellent. This week we got a peanut butter pie and we weren't sure what the deal would be. Would the flavor be all the way through, just on top or what the deal was. Well, I have to say that it was freakin' awesome people! I even allowed my family to finish off the pie in on sitting (although, in my defense it's not a huge pie and is under the size of what you think of for pies). The pie was so yummy and if my weight is up at weigh in tomorrow morning, than it will have been worth every bite of that pie that went past my lips! That's not something I'd say very often, but it's true. Between that and the veggie pizza w/light cheese earlier in the week, it sure has been a good food week around here.